New therapist.

So, I've stopped seeing my counsellor, Barbara, and I'm now seeing a psychologist called Katrina. I was nervous seeing her, but it went so well and I actually really enjoyed the first session. That's right, you read that correctly, I actually really ENJOYED the first session. I felt like I was being taken serousiously and I didn't feel patronised. I felt like I was seeing a professional who understands mental health and who has trained a long time to practice in that field. I felt safe in the office she used, with comfortable chairs and in a building that felt safe. Even though there were two clocks, ticking in alternate ticks, it felt calming rather than distracting, and the view from the window felt the same.

Telling my mum, my partner, and my GP about the months of hiding my thoughts of self harm, and how my sucidial thoughts had become a daily (and more) occurrence, was very hard. I wanted to run away from the situations and I felt sick from expressing those feelings into real words. But it must be done if I want things to change. My mum looked devastated, which I understand, but I felt bad for seeing her tears nonetheless. My partner held my hand while I spoke to him (or rather spoke to the carpet, the stairs, and the fireplace, any place except his face), which felt reassuring and understanding. I'm not very good at receiving hugs, though I think I may have perfected giving hugs over time. I never know how long to hug or what is acceptable to different people, and recieving them can sometimes feel like an invasion to my body.

The powerful effect of seeing the psychologist on Wednesday was undoubtably profound. I even mediated afterwards when I home (and then I slept for a few hours!). I feel disappointed still that I would still, even now, have to wait another year and a half to see a psychologist on the NHS. I feel like one of the things I want to do, once I am feel more stable, is to campaign for the more help given to the NHS from the government for mental health, starting with my local county. What is happening now is unacceptable, and, quite frankly, putting a huge danger on people's lives, and in some cases killing people. Mental health is as important as physical health, perhaps even more important, and yet it feels like it so low on the list and not given the proper respect it deserves.