Monday. The shakes are very inconvenient.

Today started off alright. I woke up between 6.30am and 7.30am, feeling still very tired but like I'd had a good sleep. I've felt this way for the past few mornings now. I had lots more nightmares again, the feeling they leave me is quite hard to shake off.

My daughter went down for her nap an hour earlier than normal, at around 10.30am, and by that time I'd really started to had enough of the shakes I've been having. Like nightmares, the shakes have been going in for the past few days or so. They are very uncomfortable, especially in my hands. It's hard to even type this out right now.

I've retreated back to bed, after having had some beans on toast. I'm hoping that good and rest or sleep will help my shaking ease a little. I wonder if it's because I've increased my medication. I'm suspicious that it's actually anxiety. This is all very convenient.

Today was going to be a rest day for me anyway, so I'm not too fussed that so far it's been a write off.

What does suck, besides the tiredness and shaking, is this morning I thought about suicide again.  That familiar thought process of thinking about it and coming to the conclusion that it's the really the only answer. I don't want it to be the answer. I don't want to die. I want to live and help others too. I want to draw and paint and create. I want to see my daughter grow up, and I want to grow old and know what the world looks like when I am old.

I have my counselling tomorrow. I'm still not sure whether it's helping or not, but at least I feel that I am doing something to help my depression.