I feel numb...

This morning started off as between a four and five out of ten, but has plummeted down to a one out of ten.

I feel numb. I want to cry, but I'm afraid I won't be able to stop. My daughter is asleep and I'm in bed ready to fall asleep myself. I'm tired. No I'm more than tired, I'm exhausted. I don't think I have much left to give.

Whilst having a cigarette before I came upstairs I thought about dying. For the first time since I was a teenager, I felt like I wanted to die. I wanted to give up. I didn't want to feel this pain anymore. I managed to shake off the thought, but it's lingering there in the background. I just feel empty, like a shell with nothing inside.

I need to hang on. I can't give up just yet. I have to hold on.

I've taken a diazepam and I'm hoping to sleep while my daughter is asleep. Sleep will help. I've eaten too. I'm trying to do the right thing, I am trying. I'm trying really hard.

Right now the thought of dying means nothing to me. I'm not scared, or upset. It's just an option. I've never had this before. This emptiness and lack of sadness about taking my own life. If sleep doesn't help, I will call my mum and call my partner. 

God, I hope that sleep helps. I don't want to feel this.