Another blip...

I've been meaning to write on here again for a month or so, but haven't had the chance to sit down and write about my thoughts. Funnily enough, looking at my last post from my previous blip, not much has changed necessarily, except I'm in a different job.

A few weeks ago, I had a mini "blip" and decided (through floods of tears) that full-time work was too much for and my family. There was no time during the week for anything, and the routine was making me crazy. And come the weekend, all it took was one thing to be done and it felt like that whole weekend was gone. I told work I needed to move from 5 days to 3, which they were cool about (thankfully!), and I agreed that it could be a steady drop down. So from the beginning of August, I will move down to 4 days. Then at the beginning of September, I will move down to the 3 days. Phew.

Last week, I was still feeling stressed out, anxious and depressed. Mum suggested increasing my medication back again to the next dose (the original dose I had been on), which is something I had been thinking about for a few weeks anyway. I agreed, and so that's what I did a week ago.

This week has been a particularly stressful week as the person I normally assist at work has been away for a few days and I have been left "in charge". It was hard, I dealt with it, but on the other side of it this weekend, I finally cracked.

Me and my partner haven't been spending any time together really, for a few weeks or couple of months. We have been functioning as parents only. And he's on a mission to get the house sorted, which I understand, but I feel like I'm at the bottom of the list. Left forgotten.

I have felt so crap this weekend, and I have just wanted to die. If I could've flicked a switch to end it all, I'm pretty sure I would place bets on it that I would have. Which makes me very sad. I hate being like this, like I have to battle something so much in side of me. I feel like someone  is going to turn around one day and say "just get on with it and get over it!", and I don't know what I would do if that happened. I've felt so alone. And I've felt sick. And like there is no future for me.

Me and my partner have sorted things now I hope, with the help of my mum. I know it must be hard for me because I seem so normal now, and so when I struggle he doesn't realise how bad I'm feeling. I explained to him that although I seem normal, when I get bad again, I go back to the exact place I was before, like nothing has changed. It's almost like I know the place to go to, and I know it so well I can get there faster. It's such a familiar place to me. It scares me. I think about suicide so much, nearly everyday. Is that normal? Is it normal to think of ways I could end it all, so frequently? Like I'm making a list for the weekly shopping?

That's me, out. I just needed to write this down. I needed it out of my head. I hope this has helped me.